I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
