Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
