dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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