UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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