I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
