it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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