I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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