i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize