You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
