Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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