My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
