I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
