Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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