Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
