What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
