I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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