I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
