another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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