we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
