I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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