I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
