he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
