I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
