It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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