i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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