please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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