Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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