The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
