He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
