mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
