I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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