DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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