First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
