And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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