I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
