I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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