I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i need some magic done to my vagina
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize