I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
