Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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