No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
