I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
