hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You are a genius and a whore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
