I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
