bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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