he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
