Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
