Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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