I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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