so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
