Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
