I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
