Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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