I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
