I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
