If that was your dad, he is hot
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
