omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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