Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
