my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
