It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize