Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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