As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
