Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
