awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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